The "real" reason behind...a few sentences

Last week I talked about how I ran across a few sentences that really bothered me on a photographer's blog. As a recap...on the surface it bothered me because I felt bad for the people who had done what the photographer was talking about. My defenses went up for them and I wanted to ask that person, "Ummmm...didn't YOU have to start out from somewhere yourself?!" I also wanted to ask if THEY had ever e-mailed a photographer that they looked up to and asked for advice. How would they feel if they ran across those words on the photographer's page? Basically, just wanted to ask what made them feel like they were so different from the people they mentioned in those few sentences! I won't even go into the "copying" part...mainly because I don't really know how to express how I feel on that subject. But, like I said in the last blog, as I did not e-mail and have not copied said photographer those few sentences didn't really bother me personally. However, the words did.

Ever since highschool, I have carried some sort of camera on me everywhere I go! (it would have been sooner but I couldn't afford one before then!) I received a digital camera in 2006 and the number of pictures on my computer tripled! When I decided to buy my first SLR camera, it was because I wanted better pictures of the things I was documenting in my life. Family get togethers, vacations, and just random things that caught my eye were made so much better with the quality of that camera! I was so excited to document EVERYTHING!! When I would hang out with my little nephew...I snapped pictures. When my friend Missena and I would take her kids to the park...I brought my camera along too! It was so much fun and the pictures were so adorable! Soon, my friends began asking me to take their pictures. As I didn't classify myself as a photographer (just someone with a nice camera) I would take their pictures, edit them, and make them a c.d. for FREE. I was 100% fine with that and wouldn't have it any other way! When a few actually offered to pay, I told them it was good practice for me and turned the money down. That was half the truth...the other half was me shouting in my head, "Pay me?! A REAL photographer could have captured waaaay better pictures! I just happen to have a good camera and got lucky with a few shots. Silly person." Although I loved the quality and felt that they were better pictures than they might have been able to take, I didn't think I deserved to be paid for it. *Note...When I say they were better than what they may have been able to take...I mean that as I had a SLR camera I was able to capture things quicker and was able to work in bad lighting easier than what their digital camera could do. It's no offense to anyone*

Then, one day, I got paid! I met Holly through Missena and after looking at my pictures she asked me to take some of her kids. This was someone who was not a direct friend, who thought I did a great job and wanted ME to take pictures! I didn't create the opportunity or anything! I was so excited! Then it HIT me...I have to really ROCK this, this lady is paying me!! Not only do I need to do great with the kiddos, but I have to edit and turn the pictures back to her in a timely manner...whoa! Lucky for me, she wanted to shoot outdoors AND I had learned some tricks in photoshop...just in case ;) I was going to describe the shoot some more but then I remembered that I have a blog about it so check it out if you missed it before! Click here for the link.

That was my first...and last...paying gig. Say WHAT?! haha nothing bad happened, but thanks for the sympathy ;) That session was in November and shortly after I changed jobs, and shortly after that I moved to Norman, and shortly after that I got married!! So things got busy and I never pushed my photography in a business direction. Although, I was asked to do 2 weddings and 1 engagement session!! While it was a HUGE compliment, there was no way I felt comfortable doing a wedding! Pictures mean SOOOOO much to me and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I messed things up for whatever reason. And also, because I didn't consider myself to be a "photographer"...just a person with a nice camera ;) I would have done the engagement session but things came up and we weren't able to schedule it.

Now that things have slown down a bit and with my recent SLR upgrade (I bought a Cannon 50D) my mind is pondering the "what if." What if...I began letting people know I'm for hire. What if...I did start booking sessions. What if... In the back of my mind, I wonder what the other photographers would think. Would they think, "Who does she think she is? She has no schooling, no background, and no experience. She is JUST a girl with a nice camera!" That was my main reason for not pursing it. Deep down, I feard these things and just couldn't take the next step. Deep down, I didn't think I was good enough for strangers to hire me to record their life. Deep down, I didn't want to be judged. People can be so mean and heartless sometimes and I just didn't want to put myself out there.

But...what if...? I mean, my friends all tell me I do a good job. My husband has been trying to talk me into it for the last year. He was the one saying, "Just because they are your friend's doesn't mean you can't charge them!" If they all believed in me...then why not just give it a try? With that all being said...I began to feel pretty confidant about it. I knew I wouldn't accept a wedding, but anything else I could handle. After all, if for some reason the pictures didn't turn out the way I thought they should...I could just refund the money. Let's do this thing, I thought!

Not a week later...I ran across those few sentences on a photographer's blog. And my heart SANK. The words and the judgement I had feard...were there in black font. Taunting me and clouding the confidance I had in myself. So there you have it. That's the REAL reason that those few sentences had bothered me so much. Why I couldn't get them out of my head and off my heart. I know, that had my circumstances been different, had I not been a "budding photographer." I still would have been bothered by those sentences, on behalf of the people they were talking about. But given the circumstances of what all has happened in the last year, how much I have grown, and what I had been dreaming...those words cut me deep.

I'm 100% positive that the photographer has NO idea about my story or my dreams. They don't know me from Adam. They themselves are young photographers like me, just with more experience. When I read the blog it is usually full of happy bright images and exciting new things going on with their studio and the connections they have. I'm 100% sure when those words were typed they didn't know how it would have hurt me personally. But I'm also 100% sure they knew it would hurt someone's feelings. I mean, seriously...if someone is sending you an e-mail asking for advice, wouldn't you assume they are following your work? So maybe it wouldn't have bothered me as much if they would have stopped typing after saying, "Doesn't it seem like everyone is a photographer these days?" That's not so much of a personal attack. Although, I still would have been a little hurt at those words too haha

Ugh, I dunno...maybe I'm just extra sensitive since I had been fearing a photographer might say that only to have them say it JUST as I am deciding to take a leap into something I care so much about ;) For the record, I'm not letting this stop me...although I'm going to take baby steps rather than leap ;)

Thanks for listening to me vent! I hope you all had a great weekend!

X's and O's,

Brandi Sue