Ten in Ten: Day Five

Ten Days: Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

*Okay, so my real answer would be cliche. Ya know, where we all agree that we wouldn't change anything because it made us who we are today and all that jazz. I'm not dissing that answer, because that is how I really really feel as well. BUT...there are some things I wish I had never done. I did have to think about this a little longer, and then I let time get away from me!! Anyway, I wanted to be honest but also not too revealing so there are some that are short and sweet and some that are more detailed!

1. When I was a freshman I took swimming and our early morning practice counted as a class so I had a free period the last hour of the day. Another girl from swim class did as well so we started hanging out waiting for school to get out. We got along pretty well and soon became friends. One day an upperclassman I knew saw me hanging out with her and later told me that it wasn't a good idea. (for "coolness" reasons not safety reasons) I really don't remember what they said but for some reason, it made me stop talking to her. Like, ice cold stopped. I stopped writing her back, I found another place to hang out while I waited for school to be over, and I took different paths to my classes. (it was a big school) The funny thing is, I really wasn't "popular" to begin with and I had never cared before what others thought. I got along with and was friends with practically every type of person/group that there was in our school...so why change now? I have no idea why I did that and soon I moved away so I never did get the chance to make up for it. I even ended up back at that school less than a year later, but she was gone. What makes me feel even 10x worse about it is, I know what that feels like to be treated like that. My childhood best friend and I were inseparable until my family moved and I decided to go live with my Dad. Well, just two years later I moved back with my Mom and started a new school. I was so surprised to find out that she had moved there as well!! Now we could be friends again!!! In those two years though, her mom had become a nurse so they had better income which we all know...makes you instantly popular. So, she was way to cool to be seen with me. I wrote her letters and everything, I just couldn't understand how she could be like that. That was just in 5th grade. Here I was, in the 9th grade, and doing the same thing. I was disgusted with myself. I think about her every now and then. I wonder if she even remembers me and if she does, I hope she doesn't think about that and just remembers our friendship. I'm sure our paths will never cross again or if I would even recognize her but I'll always wish I could take that back. Even if it was a good reminder to ALWAYS treat others with kindness and not to care what others think. She would have been my friend forever and that upperclassman? I can't even remember their name.

2. I wish that I hadn't spent so much time wondering why you didn't like me and arguing with you over why they should. It wasn't my fault that we didn't get to grow up together and when we were finally able to have a relationship you didn't want to be bothered with it. That was almost 10 years ago. 10 years of memories we could have had. I wasted so much time trying to get to know and build a relationship with you, that I neglected the ones who were there. All for what? I started to list all the things that you (they weren't good) but then realized that I would be putting myself on the same level as you, and I'm way above you. I've come to realize that that must be one of the main reasons why you can't stand me. Funny thing is, I didn't realize I was better than you until recently. One day it was like it hit me out of no where. Why was I trying to prove myself to you, why was I looking up to you, why was I seeking your love...when you didn't and don't deserve it? You've done nothing but hurt me and most of the ones I love all for nothing. Well, you have your reasons but in the end, they don't stand for anything. You could have a much happier life if you would just learn to truly forgive and love those around you like they love or want to love you. Think about how these last 10 years could have been if you had done that and more important...how the next 10 could be. We all have so much in common but instead of embracing it, you see it as a threat. The truth is, I'll always still want to be a part of your life no matter what and I don't really think I am better than you...but I won't keep walking on eggshells around you or keep you on a pedestal. I wish others would do the same to you, maybe then you would learn how relationships are supposed to work.

3. I wish I would have spoken up for myself more through out the years. There were many time that I was too afraid of being labeled a "B" or aggressive, so I just kept the peace and stayed quiet. I didn't realize that by doing that, I would become a doormat. I put up with a lot more attitude and crap than I should have.

4. I wish that I hadn't settled for second best. I should have tried harder in school instead of being happy with average. I was never taught to be determined though and it wasn't something I picked up naturally. I could easily "wing it" and do pretty good, so why try harder? I wish I had! I wish I had known that it didn't matter how much money I had, what I looked like, who my friends were...that I could and did deserve better.

5. I wish I hadn't cared so much about what people thought about me.

6. I wish I had told you the hurtful truth instead of a comforting lie.

X's and O's,

Brandi Sue